Mum On A Roll: a fortnightly column by Sujatha Rajagopal

Being older than his years, four-year-old Ajay is making raising an only kid tough on his mum.

I wonder what a riotous life my Dad and Mum must have led. Each grew up with eight siblings! Mum, the elder daughter of the household, often lamented about being forced to babysit her younger sisters and brother while also supervising household chores. Dad, was born on the other end of the spectrum. One of the younger sons, he used to get involved in the most adventurous escapades, which usually culminated in a nice wallop on the buttocks from my Grandma.

When I think back about how life must have been for my parents, I am sometimes ashamed to recollect how much I jostled for their attention as the second in a family of three kids. For a while, I had the good fortune of being the youngest. Then, when I was seven, my sis entered the world and I was promoted to middle child. I remember sending secret missives to the Almighty every night: “Please let me be a first-born or the youngest in my next life?” was my pathetic prayer. You would too if you were a nondescript youngster stuck between a child prodigy of an elder brother and a cute-as-pie younger sis.

Thankfully today, I have a close relationship with my siblings although we each live on different continents. Now, I feel blessed to be the one in the middle. I see myself as a communication bridge—the first to begin an email chain; the one who dares to offer honest if critical comments; the one who organises family reunions. Being closer in age to my elder brother, I have cherished memories of climbing trees, catching frogs and running around on a muddy football field in hand-me-down singlet and shorts, things my sis missed out on being born in almost another generation. And being an elder sister, I treasure the things only sisters do like devoting an entire long-distance phone call to the possible plot twists of the seventh Harry Potter book.

Which brings me to Ajay

Ajay of course, is having a completely different experience altogether. He is an only child. And after four years of having him, I can quite decidedly say that he is going to remain one for life.

It breaks my heart to see him devise ways to entertain himself. As his father’s profession requires us to travel a lot, Ajay is also missing out on growing up alongside his many little cousins, all of whom have siblings of their own. So in my family, Ajay is somewhat of a one-of-a-kind little boy. Without siblings. More keen on adult company. And perhaps as a result, rather mature for his age.

Not a bed of roses

Although it’s probably easier to manage with just one kid, parenting an “only” has its own challenges.

Preference for older company. So far, play-dates don’t work out very well for Ajay. Having grown up with only adults all his life, he’d rather chat up a mum, dad or grandparent than play with their youngsters. But most often, the company Ajay yearns for is that of older children—aged from about six years up—those who have the energy and maturity to understand him, but unfortunately, little patience to play with him.

Only child, lonely child? Probably a direct result of being an “only” has resulted in Ajay making up more than his fair share of pretend friends. In an earlier article (see Friends of the mind), I mentioned that Ajay has a houseful of imaginary pals to keep him company. And he makes up more friends by the week! At last count, he had 16 pretend pals! Very interestingly, all of them are “aged” six to eight.

Pitfalls of 1:1 attention. It is a trial not to become hung up about Ajay’s emotions. I have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to disappoint some of his requests. After all, if I could grow up fine with hand-me-down toys and books, there was no reason for Ajay to be upset about not getting an expensive or even new toy for his birthday.

Setting realistic standards. When you have an only child, expecting him to be perfect in all things comes with the territory. Ajay’s verbal precociousness and his ability to seem like a little adult often make us forget at times that he is after all a playful four-year-old in age and at heart. Sometimes, I find myself striving hard not to make my own anxieties his. Having only one child, I have a deep-down fear that if he doesn’t excel, I would fail as a parent. I have to keep reminding myself that parenting is much more than that. Better I keep my expectations in check than have him think my love is based on his performance right?

Fine-tuning social skills. I think one of the biggest disadvantages of growing up alone is that Ajay has to be constantly reminded not to take things for granted. In my home, there was no such thing as this is mine, that’s yours. It was always “ours”. Teaching Ajay to share and take turns is always a challenge as is making up for the absence of compromise, rough-and-tumble play and other special skills that come with growing up in a brood.

All in all, it has been a tricky four years, trying to ensure that Ajay isn’t overly dependent, pampered, or growing up too soon that he is missing out on a proper childhood. But at the same time, despite being an only child, he has the gift of the gab and a sense of humour that still manages to provide us thrice the fun! He can hold court with a room full of grown-ups without being at a loss for words or forgetting his manners. Give him a crying baby and he’d be the first to console it with a well-delivered lullaby.

Attention-lavished as Ajay is, his heart is thankfully, still in the right place.