With Mother’s Day approaching and assailed by self-doubt on her mothering capabilities, Sujatha gathers inspiration from five important lessons.
Are you a good mum?
It’s so easy to begin doubting yourself even if you’ve been a parent for years. One would think that all the pain we went through just to push the tyke out on Delivery Day should have been enough compensation for all our shortcomings as parents. Unfortunately, that’s never the case is it? Try as I might, there is always a niggling worry. Between remembering to do the million things I have on my plate every day, I’m always wondering if I measure up:
Does breastfeeding and diaper-changing alone a good mum make? Sadly, no.
Will my son remember my impatience more readily than the days I cooked and cleaned for him despite a raging fever or pounding headache? Probably, yes.
Will I finally learn to rein in my temper and be a better friend to my boy? I sure hope so.
I always have this feeling that the mums around me do a much better job that I ever could. So I’ve been researching what really makes a good mum. And with all the furtiveness I can muster, I have been observing other mums I know. These are the key lessons I’ve gathered:
1. Cuddling and saying “I Love You” According to Dr Harvey Karp, paediatrician and author of The Happiest Baby on the Block, touching is as nutritious as food—if not more nutritious. Any kind of touching, massage, or tickling actually nurtures a child. When you tickle and cuddle your child, you’re teaching him you can be a kid too. Hugging, the experts say, also teaches kids to be comfortable with receiving and displaying affection as they grow up. A kind word and a hug, stresses a friend, teaches more effectively than a scolding.
Lesson 1: Think of hugging as a daily vitamin—a vitamin to nourish your child’s soul.
2. Listening…really listening to your child. We tell our kids not to interrupt us. But don’t we interrupt them too sometimes? It’s so tempting to want to shut them up and fill them with our wisdom. But when we talk, we can’t listen. And when we don’t listen, we judge too soon. So often, I find myself doing several things at once when Ajay asks me to listen to a story or idea he has. I realise that I am listening but not with my full concentration. And so I miss out all the little details, his excitement in putting sentences together, his pride in saying difficult words, that contagious expressiveness.
Says, Cherie Fuller, author of The Mom You’re Meant to Be, listening to your child encourages two-way thought and communication.
Another important thing: kids grow up all too soon. In a few years, they may prefer not to share their thoughts with us, unless we start listening, really listening, to them now.
Lesson 2: Listen with everything you have, not only your ears.
3. Keeping promises There’s nothing like a broken promise to diminish your child’s trust in you. Kids have an incredible memory when it comes to something you promised them, even if it was mentioned in passing or intended as a bribe. If you make a habit of betraying his trust, your child may grow up to do the same too.
Lesson 3: Never make a promise you can’t keep.
4. Fulfilling well-child appointments Doctor’s appointments and the appropriate childhood immunizations are “promises” too! They are promises that you make to your child to give him a long, healthy life. Doctor’s visits also instil good habits because paediatricians often use the time to discuss topics like bedtime battles, diet and exercise. Says Dr Jennifer Trachtenberg, paediatrician and author of Good Kids, Bad Habits: The RealAge Guide to Raising Healthy Children, adults who received such preventive care from young can have a “RealAge” (the body’s biological age based on health factors) that’s 12 years younger than their calendar age!
Lesson 4: Never gamble with your child’s health.
5. Being a good role-model I will never forget the day I saw Ajay giving his classmate a lecture on not shouting. I suppose I should have been happy that my son was passing on a lesson in discipline, but the way he did it was an eye-opener. He sounded exactly like I did—bossy tone, wagging finger and all. Only then did I realise that while what I was teaching was right, the way I was doing it was all wrong. I always knew becoming a parent required great sacrifice…but only now do I understand how much self-improvement is needed as well.
Lesson 5: Watch what you do. Your child is a mirror of you.
Clearly, it takes more than this to make a good mum or dad. But these five lessons are a good place to start. Especially when we have too much to do and tend to forget why we are working so hard anyway: to be more deserving of our children.
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